Coming to a Complete Stop

NOTE:  I was sitting with my wife in the window on Saturday when she handed me her journal and asked me to read an entry.  It was some very good stuff on communication, and since good communication is a key asset for any leader, I asked her if she'd like to expand the thoughts and write the week's blog.  Having already thought of the idea herself, she quickly agreed.  So here are my incredible wife's thoughts on one of the key points every leader eventually learns.

 

A few years ago I was qualifying as a certified driving instructor in Ohio.  I had just finished my driving test and the examiner told me I never came to a complete stop at any of the stop signs on the route--not once.  I could not imagine that I had failed to come to a complete stop.  But since I knew better than to argue with a state trooper, I surrendered the point.   If anyone else had said it, I would've strongly objected.

 

This memory came to me yesterday morning after a less than comfortable discussion with my husband (yes we were irritated with each other).  He felt that I had been cutting him off, interrupting him, not permitting him to complete a single thought.  The intensity of his frustration lent credibility to the charge, but in my mind I knew I'd been careful to always wait until he completed a sentence before I jumped in with a question or objection or need of my own.  There was no way he could be right about this.  I had been very careful, because I had stumbled over this many times, and wanted to be blameless this time around.  

 

It was later, while journaling, that the driving test parallel occurred to me.  After my miserably failing that driving test, I applied myself to figuring out how to ensure a complete stop.  Focus on stopping first, and looking both ways second.  I had been "stopping" and looking at the same time.  My focus had been, "Can I go now?" instead of "Stop."

 

As I thought about the conversation with my husband, I realized I had been doing a very similar thing.  I had been letting my husband get one sentence out and then felt justified in quickly jumping in with my thoughts, my reasons.  

 

My focus had been "Can I go now?" instead of "Stop and listen."

 

The  analogy of communication as a traffic intersection is pretty valid.  Two different streams of thoughts, perspectives, feelings and emotions cross at a particular point.  Remembering that car accidents are avoided at an intersection with a traffic light is helpful.   If your focus is just on going straight through the intersection with your thoughts, your ideas, your feelings, and the light is red, you are bound for trouble.  Sometimes you just have to sit and wait until you get the green light.

 

I had stumbled over a common communication struggle.  When I should have done the "stop-listen-and wait for the green light" I was focused on "can I go now."

 

Listening, the waiting side of communication.

 

 

 

the wife of  

the man in the window

 

 Cheryl and Bruce have been married for 31 years.